When Your Child or Your Partner Says: “You’ve Hurt Me,” Do You Get Defensive?
Being human means being messy sometimes. It means making mistakes, dropping the ball, letting others down.
Being human means being messy because it’s impossible to stay neat and clean. We cannot always do the right thing, be what others need, make the ideal choice every time we say or do something.
That is part of being human and sharing our lives with other humans.
What happens when our messiness hurts others? And it will happen because not only are we imperfect by nature, but we each have different lived experiences which inform our perceptions. And because of our different lived experiences and different perceptions, our messiness shines most brightly within our close relationships, like the ones we share with our children, our parents, our partners, and sometimes our friends. This makes sense, though. After all, being in a close, intimate relationship is like holding up a mirror to ourselves.
What is your response when a loved one calls you out for something you said or did? How do you feel when they ask for something different from you? Essentially, what happens when someone describes what they see in your mirror reflection?
Do you feel anger? If so, who are you angry with?
What is underneath that anger?
Fear? Shame? Guilt? Self-doubt?
When someone close to you says, "you hurt me," can you let those words sink in? Or do you throw words back, in defence, as way to deflect and protect?
When someone tells you that you hurt them, can you sit in the discomfort that follows? Can you see the sadness and the fear in there?
It’s painful to feel it, to face it…
It is so, so hard.
Many people struggle with this. Many people choose to defend or deflect when faced with someone else’s truth. But do you know what happens when you respond with a defence? Your loved one feels dismissed and even rejected by you. They feel unheard and unseen. And an opportunity to connect and grow together gets missed.
But please, know this: It is never too late to do better for yourself and your relationships.
Do you know that it is natural to resist sitting with discomfort? That it is a normal reaction for us to want to protect ourselves from pain, from discomfort.
But consider this: Discomfort, though difficult to befriend, is a productive part of self-communication and connection (to ourselves and others).
Listen to it.
What are the messages held inside that discomfort? Inside that desire to defend?
If you find yourself quick to defend, try this:
The next time someone says to you, "what you did, hurt me,” try the following:
Notice what defences come up (this could feel like anger, sadness, the desire to flee)
Honour your desire to defend yourself but try not to act on it. (This might sound like: “I only said that a few times,” or “I didn't mean anything by that,” or even, “that didn’t happen.”)
Recognize that your defences are trying to protect you from feeling those uncomfortable feelings such as shame, guilt, or self-doubt.
Instead of verbalizing these defensive responses (because that pushes away/devalues your loved one). Try instead to lean into your love/care for that person. Know that they think enough of you to confide in you, to take a chance by being honest with you.
Let that sink in… they are communicating with you because you matter to them. Your relationship matters to them, and, in many cases, they want the relationship to heal and grow.
We may not mean to cause harm, but if someone comes to us and says they were hurt by us, believe them. And then, once you can manage your defences, try this:
Acknowledge the action (_______ happened)
Take ownership for your part (I did ____________.)
Validate their experience (I see that when I_________, it hurt you.)
Empathize (When I ____________ you must have been really sad/felt so lonely/been scared.
Apologize (I’m sorry I hurt you when I __________________).
We all experience ruptures in our bonds with loved ones. But ruptures don’t always cause permanent damage, nor do they have to create distance and insecurity. If we are willing to engage in genuine repair, we can build an even stronger connection and a more secure bond in the process.
It can be terrifying to let go of our defences and allow our vulnerability into the reparation process. But when we do, we begin to nurture more meaningful connections with the important people in our lives.
If you are struggling to work through your defensiveness, you are not alone. As Stephen Porges says: “Trauma compromises our ability to engage with others by replacing patterns of connection with patterns of protection.” If this hits home for you, perhaps it is time to consider seeking therapeutic support to help you work through your own past traumas and/or your protective responses. Doing this work could help you show up differently in your relationships and when you show up differently, you create opportunities for change and growth.