The Joys and Fears of Becoming a New Parent

So, you’re going to be a parent, huh?  How are you feeling?  When you think about that new baby, what sorts of thoughts and emotions come up for you?  What was your journey like leading up to this life-altering news?  You may have been dreaming of this moment for years or perhaps your pregnancy was unexpected.  You may be on the precipice of meeting your child via adoption, or perhaps you’ve received word that your surrogate got two blue lines on their pregnancy test. 

No matter what circumstances have led you here, the reality is—as surreal as this may be—you are going to be a parent. 

This is a big deal. 

A big, exciting, terrifying deal…

One of our favourite motherhood quotes here at Counselling & Co. is from Dear Mama podcast host, Nikki McCahon who said: “Becoming a mother leaves no woman as it found her. It unravels her and rebuilds her. It cracks her open and takes her to her edges. It’s both beautiful and brutal, often at the same time.”

Now take a few deep breaths.

Let these words sink in… 

And then let’s go back to some of those earlier questions. How are you feeling? Likely a combination of joy, mixed with fear, along with some uncertainty, hopefulness and maybe some self-doubt. You may be asking; can this be real?  You may be worrying; can I do this? This is all very normal.  It’s normal to feel mixed emotions about bringing a new baby into your life. And it’s normal to feel a mix of emotions when the baby is here too. 

Leading Up to (and including) the First Year of Baby’s Life

The perinatal stage involves the entire process from family planning through to the first year of the baby’s life. That includes fertility treatments, pregnancy, the surrogacy or adoption process and so much more. Regardless of how your baby arrives in your arms, those years/months leading up to the arrival of your baby, plus the first year of life as their parent, will be some of the most challenging and rewarding times. It’s all such a huge learning curve, where we change and grow as people in so many ways. But we may also feel fearful, sad, and anxious as we go through these transitions. We may be restless and nervous, but also driven to prepare and nest.  And then, when the baby arrives, we want so badly to be ready, but the truth is… nobody is ever fully ready.  What does “ready” even mean? And, thusly, we may feel ourselves (though with some uncertainty and reluctance) starting to go with the uneven flow that parenthood demands. This is new territory, but we don’t have to face it alone. 

Find the Village and Let the Village In

There is so much beauty in the famous African proverb: “It takes a village to raise a child.” But we live in a hustle and bustle world where childrearing is very much placed in the hands of parents, alone.  Not everyone has extended family to help and even when we do, there is still a deep need for social connection outside (and inside) parenting. It is therefore vital for us to create our village. Our villagers may not play a key role in raising our children, though they might; but they can play a key role in supporting us with their friendship along the way.  We can start to build our village by joining a local baby massage class, swimming group or EarlyON program and then inviting a few other parents to go for a coffee after, maybe even over for a play date. It can be lonely and isolating to spend long days at home. Finding a few friends to socialize with during these early parenting years can make a world of difference for the babies and their parents. 

Prioritizing Mental Health, as a New Parent

Sometimes becoming a parent can poke at old psychological and emotional wounds. This might lead us to feel some internal conflict or a sense of loss or confusion as we contemplate our childhoods and the relationships we had (or didn’t have) with our parents. We might be thinking, am I just destined to repeat the mistakes of my parents? This is a common question we as therapists hear often. Child psychiatrist Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and early childhood expert Mary Hartzell, M.Ed., explore this question and many more in their book titled, Parenting from the Inside Out, which guides parents through creating the necessary foundations for creating loving and secure relationships with their children. And is there a difference between parenting and parenthood? Elly Taylor, author of Becoming Us, a relationship-based approach to pregnancy, birth and beyond distinguishes between the two. She says parenting is about kiddos and what they need to be happy, healthy and thriving. Parenthood, on the other hand, is all about what parents need to be happy, healthy and thriving.

We may also find ourselves experiencing symptoms of pregnancy anxiety or postpartum depression; not only are we embarking upon something new and scary, but our physical and hormonal changes can lead us on unwanted roller coaster rides. Seeing a therapist during the perinatal phase, and onward, can be a great way to ensure consistent support to help us navigate all the challenges and changes, both past and present.

Here at Counselling & Co., we have several therapists trained in, and passionate about, perinatal health and parenting support. Click here for more information about our perinatal and parenting services.