Not Just Over: The Silent Threat of Breakup Violence by Catarina Martins

When relationships end, there is an emotional toll that it can take on individuals. But there’s a darker side to relationships ending that doesn’t always get the attention it deserves: breakup violence. This form of violence isn’t just physical—it can be psychological, emotional, and even digital. It involves harmful, often escalating behaviours that emerge when one partner cannot accept the end of a relationship. What many people fail to realize is that breakup violence is not only about the immediate impact on the victim; it can leave lasting emotional scars that shape the way they relate to others and view themselves in future relationships.

What is Breakup Violence?

Breakup violence refers to any form of abusive behaviour that occurs when a relationship ends, often stemming from feelings of rejection, anger, or a perceived loss of control. The violence can manifest in multiple ways: through physical aggression, verbal abuse, stalking, or manipulation. While we typically associate violence with physical harm, emotional and psychological abuse can be equally damaging, if not more so, due to its long-lasting effects on the victim's self-esteem and mental health.

It is important to note that breakup violence can happen in any type of relationship—whether it’s romantic, sexual, or even a friendship. While we often think of it in terms of intimate partner violence, the dynamics of power, control, and retaliation can spill over into other types of relationships as well.

Forms of Breakup Violence

Physical Violence

Physical violence is perhaps the most easily recognized form of breakup violence. This can range from hitting, slapping, or pushing, to more severe forms of assault. Sometimes, the violence is an immediate reaction to the breakup, driven by an overwhelming sense of anger and betrayal. In other instances, it may occur in the aftermath of the breakup when one partner refuses to accept the end of the relationship, trying to control or punish the other through force. Physical violence can be a dangerous, escalating pattern that, if not addressed, can put the victim’s safety at serious risk.

Emotional and Psychological Abuse

Emotional and psychological abuse can often be more insidious and harder to identify. It includes gaslighting, manipulation, intimidation, and verbal abuse. The abuser may try to convince their former partner that they are "crazy" or "overreacting," diminishing their sense of self-worth. This form of violence can also include persistent guilt-tripping, threats, or blaming the victim for the breakup, creating confusion and self-doubt. The abuser might use these tactics to reassert control or attempt to regain the relationship through coercive means. Over time, this kind of abuse can have severe effects on the victim’s mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, and even trauma.

Stalking and Harassment

One of the more frightening forms of breakup violence is stalking, which can involve repeated unwanted contact, following, and surveillance. The abuser may show up uninvited at the victim’s home or workplace, send incessant messages, or even threaten self-harm if the victim does not return. In the age of digital communication, stalking can also include online harassment—tracking the victim’s social media activity, sending threatening or obsessive messages, and attempting to monitor their every move. These behaviours can leave the victim feeling powerless and constantly on edge, fearing for their safety.

Why People Don't Seek Help

One of the most challenging aspects of breakup violence is the stigma and silence that often surrounds it. Many victims of breakup violence hesitate to seek help, whether from a therapist, a support group, or even friends and family. This reluctance can stem from a variety of psychological, social, and practical barriers that prevent individuals from reaching out for the support they need.

Fear of Retaliation or Escalation

One of the most common reasons people don't seek help after experiencing breakup violence is fear—fear of further retaliation from their abuser. Many victims of abuse, especially those who have experienced physical or emotional violence, worry that seeking help will provoke their abuser to escalate their behaviour. They may fear that reporting the abuse or going to the police could put them in even more danger. For example, someone who has already experienced stalking or threats might be hesitant to speak out, fearing that their abuser will retaliate in ways that are even more harmful or threatening to their safety.

Guilt and Shame

Many victims of breakup violence feel a sense of guilt or shame, often wondering if they somehow brought the abuse upon themselves. This feeling can be compounded by societal messages that suggest victims "should have known better" or "should have left sooner." In some cases, abusers use psychological tactics like gaslighting to make the victim feel responsible for the violence, leading them to doubt their own experiences. This can create a deep sense of isolation and prevent the victim from seeking help because they feel ashamed or unworthy of support.

The Role of a Therapist in Supporting Victims of Breakup Violence

Therapists play a crucial role in supporting individuals who have experienced breakup violence. The immediate goal is safety—physical, emotional, and psychological. But therapy also involves helping the victim navigate the trauma, heal from the abuse, and regain their autonomy.

The emotional toll of breakup violence can be profound. Survivors may suffer from anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), or a loss of trust in others. Individual Counselling in Oakville offers a space for the victim to work through these emotions, process the trauma, and begin rebuilding their sense of self-worth. It also focuses on empowerment. Helping the victim reclaim their sense of agency and rebuild their confidence is crucial for long-term healing. This involves helping to set boundaries and learn how to engage in future relationships from a place of strength and self-respect.